Going easy on myself

The easiest thing in the world for me is to be hard on myself.

Every dieter understands this. It is EASY to get mad at our hunger, at our “failures” to stick with a plan, at our inability to lose weight. You get it. I know you do. So I’ve decided to take it easy.

First off, I’m taking one day off a week from this blog, either Saturday or Sunday as the mood strikes. Writing is easy for me but sometimes it is good to lay off the pressure cooker mentality of it.

Secondly, I need to remember that not adhering to the schedule precisely does not mean “EPIC FAIL.” That is part of what undid me last time (amongst all the trauma-drama of life): everytime I did not dose at exactly the time I had planned, I just wrote off the day. MISTAKE! Even later is better than never; and just having a schedule helps remind me to try and stick with it.

As for food and all that, Sunday was a banner day. I kept my food portions small (basically, HALF of what I normally eat!) and generally well balanced (more salad) and I did not get hungry. I had a few handfuls of popcorn while watching a movie with MiKE, but I did not have any complusion to stuff my face with it. Now that is my definition of an SLD Success Moment!

Today is smooth sailing — a little late on my SLD dose, but I drank it during my weekly therapy appointment so all good. Juiced some fruit for breakfast, and just drank my veggie juice for lunch. I’ve got a slimfast here if I get pecky from something later, but that bowl of holiday candy over there on the corner of my boss’ desk? Untouched, unwanted, and not needed. WHOA! *is very pleased*

Day Seven: A Day I’ve Waited a Lifetime For

Seth wrote on his blog about hope vs. expectation, in an interesting exploration of the foundations of the Diet Nation. Dieters are used to hoping for results, not so much to expecting them. As Seth pointed out, there is a pleasant quality to hope that makes it enjoyable. The worst of all possible worlds, though, is hoping for something that never actually occurs. Dieters are almost paranoid about expecting success on a weight loss plan; I have yet to meet or hear of a dieter discuss their future weight loss with anything remotely resembling expectation. We know better. So, all we can bring our heart to do is hope for success, which of course never occurs or is never long lasting. We hope and hope and hope. This “constant craving” of hope diminishes us.

Quite frankly, while hope can be pleasant – o the warm fuzzies of anticipation! – it isn’t enough, in my book. I do not want to hope for the best. I want to expect the best; I want to count on it. I want to look at my calendar and say, “Why yes, if this current rate of loss continues, I’ll be at my ideal weight at this time next year.” I want to know that if I stick to routine, I will not be hungry. I don’t want it to be pleasant surprise, I want it to be a fact.

I cannot claim to have jumped that fence from hope to expectation, but I am going to try. I’m burned out on hope.

On to more mundane matters: I have scheduled my flavorless calories for in the morning, and in mid afternoon. I like the idea of doing it first thing in the morning, but some days that hasn’t happened. Not a big deal since once I drink the hummingbird water the AS kicks in pretty quickly. So far, so good. Except for the “oil thing.”

The last few times I have tried the oil method of flavorless calories I have not experienced much AS (appetite suppression). The sugar water does work so well for me I thought I would have to stick with that, which disappointed me as I like the idea of getting more Omega-3 oil into my system easily (as a vegetarian, that is tough to do without supplements).

This morning I decided to follow Seth’s advice (whoa, Nellie!) and alter the routine that was not working. Instead of a glass of water with 2T of walnut oil and 1t. of sugar, I used 3T of walnut oil and ½ t. of sugar.

VOILA!

Appetite suppression in da’ house! In fact even the idea of a cup of coffee later at work sounded over the top. Let me tell you: for lunch I fixed a can of Annie’s cheese ravioli (just like Chef Boyardee, only vegetarian). While it nuked I foraged ¼ of a bagel with cheese and tomato slices on it, left over for an executive meeting earlier. Yum. And a mini-muffin (corn). They looked good, and they were good. And the ravioli? It was…too much. I took about five bites and threw the rest away. I am in SYSTEM SHOCK OVERLOAD from that fact. I threw food away! Because I was full! There was no panic, no fear of being hungry, no feelings of deprivation. I was full and I had no way to store the ravioli for tomorrow, so I tossed it. I could not even bring myself to look at the rest of the bagel and muffin tray. Wow. I’ve waited my entire adult life for this moment.

I know 3T is a lot so instead of my full dose of sugar water this afternoon I’m using half the sugar I normally do. At this point I’m still too full to even consider sugar water, though. We’ll see what happens. But if I do drink the sugar water, that puts me at right under 500 flavorless calories a day. Quite frankly that makes me nervous because it leaves me a mere 1000 for actual food (as I am hoping to stay around 1500 a day; although I suppose anything less than 1800 is acceptable) and I’m not sure that will be enough. Still, if I don’t do the routine, then I know for sure I’ll eat over 2200 (easily!) calories and I know that isn’t good.

And to note: yesterday evening I had a small salad, two garlic rolls, and a glass of wine for dinner. Dessert was two clementines (mmmmmmm, baby oranges!). I felt like a pig at the time but when I look back objectively, that is really not much more than an appetizer. At least, it used to be!

My mental adaptation is taking considerably longer than my physical one.

Day One: It Begins!

Yesterday, I found out about Shangrila Diet. I’m 37 years old (female) and have fought being overweight my entire frackin’ life! :::misery:::: So name the diet, I’ve tried it. Another yo-yo queen in the ‘hood, and no story I can tell you about my life spent fighting fat is going to be any different that the ones you know.

I read about this plan in (where else?) Freakonomics just the other day (I had not been reading it regularly, although I love those guys; when it moved the the NYTimes I was hooked good!). I was intrigued. What nailed me was Seth’s observation that when he ate, he only got hungier. BING! My husband and I purposely avoid breakfast, despite dire warnings from nutritionists high and low, because eating in the morning just makes us ravenous by noon. The Hunger of it all! And, no, eating in the morning never never ever made us eat less later; it just ended up being more calories over all by bed time. We noticed thisbut all the popular research denied it. Most sensible diet plans suggest six meals of 200 calories, give or take depending on your weight. Get real. The 200 calories only starts the machine. We knew we weren’t crazy, but nothing we read validated our experiences…until now!

I’m a full time grad student and husband is in school too; we are poor, so I can’t get Seth’s book until payday nor can I buy any groceries either. But this morning I thought, hey, just try it out with what you can. I made up a liter of water with about 200 calories of sugar and took it to work. I finished my coffee at 8:30, drank the hummingbird water at 10:30 (I sipped at it over the course on 30 minutes) and went to fix my lunch at 1pm. I brought my usual rice/beans/veggies mix, which I make at home as it is wayyy cheap. It never fills me up, even a whole bowl of it, but takes off The Hunger pangs and then I usually end up snacking by 3 or 4pm. Then dinner…then after dinner snack…and so on.

Imagine my SHOCK to be standing in front of the microwave at work and thinking, “What is this strange feeling?” And it was strange, indeed. It was my body being hungry, but not my brain! As I cooked the food, I didn’t feel the normal panicky, ravenous hunger I feel right before I eat. It just wasn’t there. And when I ate my lunch, it was yummy but not…I don’t know how to describe it, but “not addictive” comes to mind. In fact I did not even finish it. I did not do my usual “shovel it in before you die!!” routine. The motivation was gone. I ate until my body said “ugh, no more” and then stopped.

O.
Mi.
Ghod.

I do not know what I weigh right now. I’m a size 16 and I think (from past experiences) that I’m tipping 200 by a pound or two. I’m 5′6″ and in excellent health, other than the BMI thing, and I even exercise regularly. I’m stating that here because tomorrow I’m going to weigh and post that #, and keep track for a while. Just to see. But even if I never lose a pound (a fate I’ve nearly come to accept…nearly…) I will consider myself blessed to be free of The Hunger.