More on hunger

Yesterday when I got home from work I was hungry, and today before lunch I was hungry too. I immediately started sorting out what was going wrong, why SLD might not be working, what I needed to change…and then I realized…

Hunger is GOOD.

Starving, not so much, I admit that freely. But hunger? It is natural. It is NORMAL. Hunger means your body has run through the energy supply it had on tap and needs more fuel. Hunger is much more natural state than a constant sense of fullness. I remember reading once that if you wake up NOT hungry, then you overate the night before (how scientific that statement is, I don’t know, but it makes sense to me). I am much more used to waking up not hungry — I am, in short, much more used to constantly eating too much.

I’ve never been a binge eater but I’ve also never been one to limit my portion sizes or stop a runaway sweet tooth. The nascent feeling of hunger pangs would often send me into a mild panic to eat something which usually ended up being unhealthy by dent of being readily availalbe (junk food, candy, etc.).

Nowadays, though, I’m not panicking. I’m eating LESS because of SLD and that makes me genuinely hungry in a healthy way; and because of some issues I’ve been addressing in therapy, I’m not panicking as much about being hungry. It’s a two-punch solution for me, but it would hardly count at all if I were not doing my SLD doses regularly.

Not to sound hokey but yeah, it really IS like the dawn of a new day.

SLD + Willpower

Anyone who says you don’t need willpower to stay on the SLD regimen is not being honest. ANY change in behavior — ANY habit you are trying to make or break — takes willpower. Maybe not as much as you would need to get to the Olympics as a competitive athlete, but yeah, you need some.

This morning was an excerise in willpower, for me. As you might remember, yesterday evening I barely ate at all (well, two Guinness beers is KINDA sorta dinner…heh…). This morning I woke up starving. Not the panicked, emotionally-driven starving I’m used to, but the genuine hunger pangs of my body growling for food.

But I normally eat a very small breakfast (juices or fruit), have a cup of coffee, and then take my SLD dosage at about 11:30am. By 10am my coffee was not cutting it and my lunch was looking good, but I really did not want to blow out my schedule. So I didn’t.

It was not easy, even if it was not exactly the worst hour of my life. But I got to my SLD dose a bit early and then the hunger was gone. The rest of the day went really well; light rice and beans for lunch, and yeah, Welsh Rarebit for dinner (the British version of heart-attack on a plate: porter beer, heavy cream, and cheese mixed into a sauce to serve over toast) but not a huge serving. And no snacking after that.

Will power: ya gotta have it, sometimes.

Mondays are never happy

Uck! Late post…sorry…

Today was not exactly special in any way, apart from meeting up with friends this evening at Finnegan’s Wake Irish Pub, which is around the corner from where we live. Except possibly for this: I basically skipped dinner — grabbed a handful of tostado chips as I walked out the door — because the “meet up” was a last minute thing. Had two beers at the bar and left at 10pm, and just was not hungry.

In the past, I would have spent the whole evening thinking about food and planning my escape from the bar so I could go eat. Or I would have snuck out to the all-night burger joint across the street at some point. None of that happened, though, because (get this!) I just was not hungry.

Still trying to adapt to that fact, but sometimes, it is nice to wallow in it. Just because I can.

Weekend FAIL

On Friday I miscalculated and have paid the price all weekend. Normally this would not even register, but doing SLD makes me FULL and so my usual over-eating habits backfire in painful ways.

We went for our weekly dinner-out treat to Decent Pizza, a local “dive”, where I had a couple of beers and ordered a calzone. Their calzones are huge and a bell went off in my head saying, “no no no, saw that sucker in half and take part of it home!” But did I listen? No. I ate until I was stuffed, which is totally not unusual for me. I have in the past finished off those calzones with gusto.

But this time? OMG I was a hurting puppy. After my reduced food intake of the last couple of weeks? Oh yeah, I was miserable!

I woke up Saturday still very full. I had a small sub for lunch and two tacos for dinner but by the time we hit the club (around 10:30pm) I felt like a stuffed meatball. UGH.

Today was much better; two oranges for breakfast, a bowl of sauteed green beans for a late lunch, and I’ve made chili for dinner (which is now cooking). But I have been in a state of “over-full” all weekend and that is just STUPID.

Old habits die hard. Mine are clearly not doing down without an old fashioned fire-fight of epic proportions. But the fact remains: on SLD, it FEELS right to eat less. Even if you try to stuff yourself, you will regret it.

Average Days on SLD

Today was, on average, an average day on SLD. Kind of mucked up my breakfast by juicing a bunch of fruit and then leaving half of it sitting on the counter as I drove off to work, so I ended up chugging a SlimFast just to cover myself. SLD dose? Check. Veggie juice and small bowl of mush for lunch? Check. Big bowl of chocolate candy sitting one desk over yet left completely untouched? Check! I am feeling quite sated after I eat lunch these days so candy just has no allure. Imagine! Wow.

Also, it really is weird to adjust to feeling full WHILE I’M EATING. When not doing SLD, I just stuff it in until the bowl/plate/table is empty. That’s how I was taught to eat: until it was all GONE. If I had a “full” meter I did not know it. Today I drank my veggie juice for lunch really could have skipped the mush, but I like rice so I ate it anyway…it took me an hour finish it what was no more than a cup and a half of rice. I was FULL which is always something that floors me when I start SLD. Just feeling full is bizarre. That’s pretty sad to admit, but it is the truth.

Reasonable Hunger

Yesterday evening I came home from work hungry, which I thought was surprising because that has not happened since I started taking my SLD doses regularly. Not like being hungry is unfamiliar or anything, so I did not think too much about it. Went for a one-hour walk and then came home, fixed Husband and myself some salad (we are crazily addicted to Asian Ginseng Dressing) and made my trade mark rice-and-lentils mush. I make good mush.

Had about two cups of that, plus some steamed broccli florets. Obviously, I was HUNGRY.

Thing is, as I think about it today, I realized two things:
1. I had barely eaten at all most of the day, other than fresh vegetable juice at lunch. By the time I got home from work, I had probably ingested all of 500 calories and was only mildly hungry. Really.
2. I ate the mush and then STOPPED. I did not clean out the pot as I have been known to do. In fact, there was enough left over for me to put it aside for lunch today — in fact too much, I threw a little bit out. Which is NOT something I normally do.

Conclusion: I was experiencing a healthy hunger that was abated when I ate a decent meal, and felt no panicked urges to stuff my face or spend the entire night grazing through the kitchen. I did not start craving sugary snacks either.

This is how Shangrila Diet changes your life, right there.

Today has been normal. Took my SLD dose on schedule, I ate my leftover mush and enjoyed my veggie juice — although I note I will need to buy more carrots next grocery trip, I’ll be out before Friday. I’m feeling full right now, sipping coffee, and that’s all good.

Tomorrow I’ll talk about what, actually, I am eating these days.

Oh, ow…portion size, stupid!

Today was a painful lesson in portion size. I took my scheduled SLD dose a little late due to running around in the morning (I woke up EARLY…on a SATURDAY…ack!). Had lunch later with Husband and tried to order small (one taco, not three!) but still, cleaned the plate. And within 30 minutes I was so full, I thought I would burst. I took a nap but woke up still stuffed, then went for a long walk which helped a bit. Ate a small bowl of left over Chinese (tofu broccli with garlic sauce…mmmmMmmmMmmmMMMMmmm) but really, I could have skipped that.

Getting used to the idea that I can FEEL FULL is a real change. A good change, a GREAT change, but still not something I’m used to. Old habits are definitely hard to break.

Tomorrow I’ll be dealing with grocery shopping and food planning and all that stuff I’m usually pretty irresponsible about. And probably a messed up schedule, as we are going clubbing tonight so that means I’ll be sleeping in.

Added a new page *points right*

Today I wrote an overview of why I dropped out of doing SLD (and updating this blog) for a year. It’s the SLD Crash & Burn page. I made it a page so it is permanently linked in the side bar there, because it is an important story.

Overall, today went really well, on schedule and everything! I ate Chinese food for dinner with a small dish of grapes for dessert. I did not feel any strong hunger urges until right before dinner, which makes sense as I got it sort of later than I normally eat. I think I ate too much Chinese food out of habit, and now I’m so stuffed…ugh. Will definitely start paying attention to portion sizes from now on.

Day 53: Emotions, emotions, emotions

Today was a battle with emotional eating; I wanted food but I was not hungry. I wanted the soft comfort of salty and sweet and creamy and crunch…all those things that make me feel “okay” with the world, even if it is falling apart. I am actually doing very well these days, but I think that the fall out of last week is that I am still wound up and emotionally vulnerable. Solution? Food coma.

NOT!

But it is hard to fight those urges, because they are not about hunger. They are about needing and wanting and desiring and looking for comfort. Nervous eating, comfort food, call it what you will: it fills a void that nothing else quite touches. Unfortunately.

Of course the bonus here is that on SLD, it is only about the emotions. Before the craving came from both a deep emotional need and an unstoppable physical force, which together were undefeatable. Which is to say:
Today I drank my ACV/fruit juice mix all day until I got home; then I ate 10 trisket crackers and two ounces of cheese; and then I ate a “burrito salad” with beans and rice and veggies, along with some chips. About 2/3 of a can of hard cider when I got home.

That was the complete tally of what felt like an uncontrolled binge, so I suppose I can only say: Thank goodness for SLD!

I think it does not help that I am drinking at night; I suspect this is also affecting my huger impulse, which seems over the last week to be coming up much stronger in the morning. While I drink an startlingly small amount, I really need to cut it out. I do it to relax enough to fall asleep, otherwise I toss and turn for hours, so I need to look at an alternative sleep aid. Once I fall asleep, I’m good to snore, but the tipping point has been elusive for the these last few weeks. Stress’ll do it to ya every time!

Day 52: The “Lost Week” of KimBoo

My emotional crisis of the week before did not settle like I thought it would. It took off and dragged me behind it like a ripped parachute. I did not update my journals, go anywhere, play racquetball, or do my homework, and I even skipped class on Wednesday. I am usually the retentive type who normally would NEVER in a million years skip class short of being held hostage by a secret government agency. But I did. I also drank too much.

But somehow: It’s all good. I’m okay. It was not a “crash and burn,” it was a “turn left you damn idiot! Turn left! Before you crash! Left! Left! Left!” It was a life lesson that, for me, was about ten years overdue. It was not easy to swallow. I am mad that I put myself through this at all. :::whack head on desk; repeat ::::

And I am ecstatic that I finally got the message.

I did manage to stay on SLD, but not in a regimented way. My schedule got tossed to crackers and I took my SW when I remembered it, which was often late in the day. The success here is not that I did not melt down – ohhhh yes I did! – but that I did not run back to sink my emotions in food. I drank too much beer, but that amounted to about one a night (what can I say? I’m a cheap date…just ask my husband…). My system still hit “full” when I ate and there were a lot of “take home” boxes piled in the fridge from our meals out at night. I also managed to get up and jog every morning and even make it to my crappy job during the day. As far as emotional breakdowns go, this was a “save.”

I have not weighed, though. I’m not that brave!

But today I am back on schedule. I’m writing journal posts, emailing some worried friends, and taking my SW at about 10:30am as per usual. I’ve made this a juice-fast day as I think my body needs a day off from excess. I went for a long trail run yesterday and this morning I jogged as usual. I’m confidant about my life choices and I know that I will lose weight, get healthy, and follow my dreams. What more can you ask for?